Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
