my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
