i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
