you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
