Tell her she can't have a vagina
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
