I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well you can't waste a boner
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
