She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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