I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize