Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
