Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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