he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize