what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
