Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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