Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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