I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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