yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
