Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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