Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
