woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
