last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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