You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
