Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize