Cold hands, warm shart.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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