So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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