You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
