just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
