i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
