we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
