1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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