I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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