I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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