mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize