Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
