every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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