Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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