when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
