'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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