if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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