Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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