hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
