I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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