i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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