we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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