I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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