tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
