Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
