We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
