so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
