the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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