we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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