Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
