He disabled his match.com account in front of me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
