So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize