You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
